Have you heard about those couples that each have a list of celebrities that, if given the chance, they would be allowed to cheat with? You know, he's into Angelina, she's into Brad and should ever they have the opportunity to meet and actually sleep with those crushes, they are given the free pass? Well, my husband wants to us to have that kind of agreement. I'm all for it. I mean, do you really think Jay Z is going to let Beyonce sleep with my husband? I don't think so. So, he can go ahead and fantasize about her all he wants. The problem really is with me. My list is a little . . . um, gay? All of my celebrity crushes are either women (in cash my reference to having a husband didn't let on, I'm straight) or gay men. I just don't think this agreement is going to work for us!
Here's my list of inappropriate celebrity crushes:
1) Brooke Shields
Inappropriate factor: she's straight and so am I. But, I think I've been infatuated with her since I was 13 years old and she was in the "Nothing-gets-between-me-and-my-Calvins" Calvin Klein jean ads. And then there was the Blue Lagoon. And Christopher Atkins. Oh, boy! Granted, I had a crush on him then too. But, my love affair with Brooke has lasted through the years. She's beautiful, she's smart (listen to her in interviews: that Princeton education was not wasted on that Pretty Baby -- yes, an intentional bad reference!), and she's really funny. I think she's an under-rated actress. I'm actually contemplating talking my husband into a trip to NY so I can see her in The Addams Family on Broadway before her run is over on 12/31. Kinda stalker-ish maybe??
2) Neil Patrick Harris
Inappropriate factor: he's gay and I'm a straight woman. Sometimes, my crush is on Barney Stinson, the character he plays on How I Met Your Mother. Which is also wildly inappropriate since Barney is the BIGGEST womanizing dog on the planet. So, I guess that says a lot about Neil and his acting chops. He's convinced me that Barney is worthy of attraction and that so is the gay man who portrays him. Neil (notice I use first names, like we're friends!) is also extremely talented -- he acts, he sings, he dances, he hosts the awards shows with aplomb, he does magic tricks. And, most of all, he's very funny.
3) Anderson Cooper
Inappropriate factor: he's an unconfirmed gay and, again, I'm a straight woman. I wasn't fully aware of the Silver Fox's charms until I caught him filling in for Regis on Live with Regis and Kelly. I actually truly hoped his new daytime talk show wouldn't happen and he'd take over permanently for Regis when Reege leaves in November. Bummer, that's not happening. Well, would it be wrong to wish for his daytime show to flop so he could join Kelly in the co-host seat?? Anyway, the serious CNN newsman has a very funny side above and beyond the giggle fit he had about Gerard Depardieu on the air. He's also pretty humble about the fact that his mother comes from one of America's richest families. If he won't sleep with me, I'd really like us to be friends. Is that too much to ask??
4) Tim Gunn
Inappropriate factor: he's gay, and yet again, I'm a straight woman (see how this agreement is so not working out for me?!). How can you not like Tim Gunn? He's always nattily dressed and he has that way of looking over his glasses when you know he's just dying to diss those designs on Project Runway. But, he seems really kind and caring. I don't think I'd really ever want to sleep with him, but I would really love a big hug. And some fashion tips. Of course, I can never let on to him how many pairs of capri pants and capri jeans I own because he DESPISES them. Hmm, maybe we aren't meant to be . . . .
So, in the long run, I think my husband has the better hand in this deal. Should he ever get the chance, he's allowed to sleep with Beyonce or Drew Barrymore or Salma Hayeck. I, in turn, have got my work cut out for me!!
Oh, and I just watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser yesterday. Yeah, I think in a few weeks, Anna Kournakova is going to be added to this list. My list. Sigh. Big sigh.