Monday, September 19, 2011

The Birds and the Bees

The birds and the bees. Hmmph. I'm not talking about the fun kind. I'm talking pigeons and yellow jackets. They are making us crazy!

I just spent 5 minutes out back shooting wasp spray into a nook in our roof (the hell with these decorative crevices, they just invite creatures to come in and take over!). I'm on the attack. I killed two wasps in the kitchen and another is lurking up high (damn these 25-foot ceilings). Then I kept hearing little tap tap taps on the sliders. I went out, grabbed the wasp spray and took aim. Unfortunately, the spray distance and I are both too short so I shot a lot of air. So, I grabbed a patio chair (not the most sturdy to stand on, for the record) and took aim again. I got a few and a few flew away but I also made a mess of the house and the patio. Oh, and it's always windy here so I got a good dousing too. I moved over to the other side of this stupid eave and took aim again. Um, should have used the chair again because I'm still too short. Hello,wasp-killer scented Aqua Net! Okay, so I stood on the chair on this side. Blast! And, now it's on my arms, my hair, my face, and in my eyes. Good times.

Damn wasps - they are making me insane. I can only imagine what the neighbors who can see into our back yard are thinking if they are looking out. "Oh, look at crazy white lady. She spray and duck, spray and duck. Why she keep getting spray in face?" (Um, yeah, they're Asian - and yes, I already know I'm going to Hell.)

The pigeons are equally annoying. Well, actually they're worse - their incessant cooing is maddening and they poop everywhere. They love our roof. And those stupid decorative crevices. I toss rocks at them when I see them on the roof. But their arch enemy really is Jim. He goes for the big guns. He gets the hose! He's been known to sneak out at dusk and blast the suckers right out of their nests. Then he fist pumps like he has taken down the Taliban. This is what they do to us. They make us crazy. They make us warriors. Defenders of our homeland.

Be warned, wasps and pigeons: we are armed and dangerous, and a little loony. It's on! Yessiree. It. Is. On.

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